Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Is this menopause or insanity?

This has not a thing to do with knitting or spinning ... or maybe it does because those are the only two activities that make me the least bit happy these days.

On Friday I actually had a good day. I got out and completed 30 home contacts with my "clients". Of those, there were less than a handful where no one was home. I did not get lost at all and everyone was pleasant and I even got a lunch break. And I made it back to the office about 4:15. This is record breaking stuff here! I felt good!

Then I looked at my email and found an email from my immediate supervisor who was basically scolding me for something I did not know, derided me for being too trusting of the clients, and claimed I had not done something that I did. He also told me I shouldn't have gone out that day and should have stayed in and he wanted a complete report on Tuesday when we returned to work about what I was going to do to fix this problem. Now, there is not a thing I can do about this. My weekend plans are full. I don't get paid overtime. Today (our returning day), I have three regular appointments and a case opening in the morning. And the matter at hand will have already been to court.

Well, long story short I had a bit of a meltdown. I burst into tears. I felt myself getting horribly angry. I decided I really needed to quit my job that I was obviously a complete failure at it and I really hated my position and I certainly hate my supervisor. I fired off an email to him stating that he was not being fair, and I would work on it over the weekend.

Unfortunately, in my hurry to pack everything up and hustle out the door (in tears, mind you), I forgot the powercord to the laptop.

I drove home crying and actually started considering ways to quit my job. I did not sleep well that night. I woke up with a horrible sinus headache (probably from the crying). On Saturday I spent the day feeling like crap but got a few things done around the house. I cleaned a lot of odd junk out of the sheep yard (logs and what not uncovered from their grazing). I planted some more grass seed. I discovered that evening that I did not have the powercord and again felt like crying.

That night I had the notion that folks might be better off all around if I was dead.

Fortunately, I've been here before and I recognize that as a notion that is irrational and driven purely by a chemical imbalance. For now, I can fight that off.

I know it's depression. But I'm taking an anti-depressant (Sertraline, generic for Zolof). I've been taking it for just over a year. And it's been working just fine. Why this sudden onset of worsening symptoms?

Is it the Autumn Blues?
I've recently stopped drinking... could that be the problem?
I also just finished a course of Prednisone for my back -- roid rage?

In any case, the whole thing is really frustrating and I can talk about it rationally and I know one side none of the depression thoughts make sense. I should be able to handle some criticism from my supervisor. But this is really debilitating and frustrating.

1 comment:

T said...

You have gone through so many changes lately that would mess with anyone's brain chemistry, I for one am Proud of YOU! Might be time to talk to Doc about increasing your dosage. when things like that start here I go for a change in meds. Hang in there.