Thursday, December 27, 2007

Perhaps Sanity Will Return

I admit to feeling a bit overwhelmed with all that has gone on in the last few months.

My youngest is truly struggling through some issues that I will refrain from discussing too much here... but at 16 he is soon to be expelled from regular high school and will be lucky if the school board meeting on the evening of the 14th of January permits him to continue in their GED program with a dose of vocational training on the side. His other option (which is personally, the one I would choose at this point) is to kick public school to the curb, go to the adult learning center, earn my GED in as short a period as possible and enroll post haste in the community college. In the meantime, we will deal with is legal problems as they come up and hope for the best. At least I was able to retain a good attorney for him.

As for me, the job is still the job. I have survived longer than the previous two probation officers in this slot. I'm not sure if that bodes well for me, however for it may really mean that I'm just a glutton for punishment and I should get out while I still have a brain. But I do admit to liking what I do, so there.

The saga of the hysterectomy is apparently not quite over as the incision inside my belly button got infected (there was at least one odd stitch that worked its way to the surface that finally emerged Monday night covered in pus -- yes, really gross). Monday morning I went back to see the doctor and he put me on antibiotics reopened the wound and told me to clean it out twice a day with peroxide. While greatly improved this morning, it is still oozing goo and I suspect there is another wayward stitch lost in there somewhere. I go back in about a week now to follow-up.

I also had a minor meltdown in his office (again). He asked me if I had ever been depressed and I told him, that I had. He asked if I was feeling the same way now and I told him I had been worse in the past, but I definitely didn't want to get that bad again and yes, there were certainly some strong similarities to the way I was feeling now. He said he thought that the surgery had probably done a job on my hormones, the stress from the kid and perhaps the season were probably pushing me over the edge... so he gave me prescription for Zoloft.

I filled it. I've been on it since Monday evening. I don't know if I'm feeling better because of the medication or just because I have a doctor who actually listens and thinks or things in my life just suddenly got less stressful (not). I suspect I've been depressed for some time now and because I was sort of functioning, I ignored the signs.

My signs: chronic fatigue complicated with waking in the middle of the night and being awake for several hours; forgetfulness; mild confusion; weepiness at stuff that isn't all that sad; an underlying feeling of frustration (which recently slipped over into hopelessness and feeling like a failure); stress eating; drinking too much (and feeling like I HAD to drink to cope -- makes total sense to consume a depressant when depressed, right?); and a total lack of motivation and focus.

The only thing I was missing (compared with my last couple bouts of deep depression) was the suicidal ideation and the long crying jags.

I'm looking around and realizing how wrecked my house is just from lack of maintenance. You would think that would make me feel worse, but my brain is actually thinking now that by this weekend I might actually have the energy to tackle a corner or the chaos here and there... .

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