What's going on here?

I figured by now I would have a date for surgery and know more or less what I was looking forward to.

I had accepted that I have to have a hysterectomy due to the fibroid tumors. I was imagining that my tummy would soon be flat (or at least flatter) and that I would no longer look like I was 5 months pregnant.

The chronic pain would be gone. I would be able to bend over. My bladder would actually hold pee again and the bleeding would ease or stop.

And that will all happen. Just not as soon as I thought.

I went in and met with the doctor Monday. First thing he said was that he wasn't real happy with what he was seeing in the sonograms. First of all there were three distinct fibroid tumors. One, about the size of an egg, has attached itself to my right ovary (that's my good one). One about the size of a golf ball is stuck to the left side of my uterus. The third is about the size of a grapefruit (or 4 or 5 month old fetus) and is growing out of the top of my uterus.

The worrisome bit, apparently is not all these odd lumps but the size, shape and thickness of my uterus. It is "huge", he said. A normal uterus is about the size and shape of an upside down pear. Mine is about as big as football and weighs about 5 pounds all by itself. The lining is abnormally thick.

So he said he needed to do a biopsy of the uterine wall and that big fibroid. That "B" word, of course, made me think instantly of the "C" word. And I think my stress level went right out the ceiling. He wanted to do the biopsy on Monday, but because my period started (again) on Sunday, he said I had to wait a week. Like I really want to wait at this point.

He tried to be upbeat and said that if there is no cancer he believes he can go in without a large incision in my belly and chop everything into bits, save my left ovary, most of my right and my cervix and remove all trash from a small incision in my side.

But if there is cancer, he doesn't want to use his mini-meat-grinder tools and possibly spread those monster cells around. If there is cancer I will have to have a frontal incision and I will probably lose everything. So long as they dust, vacuum and wash the walls, I don't care.

So, Ken is going in with me next Monday to hold my hand during the biopsy (because I've been warned it would be painful). Then we have to wait for probably another week for those test results and we will know more.

I'm ready to call in my healers. The real healers. The Witches.

I think most of them are planning to be at the house for our Samhain event in two weeks. We may know more by then even and can get a good focus on what Magick needs to happen.

Frankly, the whole thing sucks.