Sunday, May 20, 2007

Mothering Anxiety

I will not embarrass my sons right now with details. Let is just be said that my oldest (in college) is moving and transferring schools, and my middle and youngest are in trouble. The middle is in more trouble than the younger but the younger is looking at a serious grounding and probably summer school.

I am really wondering today why I undertook this long-term venture into motherhood? I don't seem to have done a very good job somehow. I missed some important steps somewhere I think. I hated my guilt-filled Catholic upbringing, but I'm wondering if fear of a fickle god is not actually a good child rearing tool...? That, and the boogie-man stories which I also avoided.

Self-discipline, self-motivation, goal-setting and fear of retribution are skills my two youngest seem to be missing. I am beginning to believe that the fear I had of a solid beating or lighting striking were good things that did help keep me from making some very stupid decisions as a young person.
This is not to say I did not have my mis-adventures and mis-steps. But those few times I did get out of control were soon followed by deep-seated guilt and fear. I learned that those feelings were very unpleasant and learned to curb my baser instincts (like wanting something right now, desires to get drunk out of my mind, and unprotected sex) because the after effects were so awful. I learned self-discipline.
My two youngers don't seem to be affected. It scares me.

So I'm cleaning. I completely redid both altars in the house and vaccuumed and cleaned most of the house. I find myself scrubbing the walls and toilet and sink over and over again. I only clean when I'm stressed so this unusual observation of dirt in my house and obsession with getting rid of it is clearly a sign that I'm overly stressed.

I also did a bunch of spinning and worked on the second red sock. I did figure out how to do the gusset the right way finally, so the first sock has the gusset going one direction and the second has it going the other direction. They both work, but the first sock looks weird to my eye but since I'm the one wearing them, I decided I would do the second one correctly just so I get my brain wrapped around it.

At least these socks don't have the heels coming out the sides like my first pair of socks. The third pair I make might actually be fit for gift giving.

I finished knitting the fourth "burp" pad for my co-worker who is expecting her first entry into motherhood in July. Her office baby shower will be mid-June so I'm going to put together one more pair of baby socks and call it a day as I'm also putting in with my co-workers for one big gift from us all. If I find time, I will try to complete 7 burp pads altogether.

Got a little crazy this morning and gave into temptation and blended together .4 oz of the grey alpaca with .3 oz of Navajo-Churro I got from MDS&W, and .1 oz of the cashmere I got back in December. I ran it through the carder 3 times and broke it into two batts. It's feels really nice and I think will be very interesting to spin.

The weird thing is that the final weight of both together is .6 oz... so something disappeared. I suspect it was dirt, a few second cuts I plucked out of the alpaca and some VM out of both the alpaca and the churro.

The churro is really neat. It's REALLY springy and smushy... almost crunchy. It's going to add a lot of character to this blend. If it spins up the way I think it will, I will be ordering more.

I'm going to spin up this experimental batch and if I like it, will do a second experimental batch with silk instead of cashmere and see which one I like best for sock yarn.

Then, once a favorite is decided, I will make up about 5 ounces of my "special blend" and go to work making my yarn. THEN I'll have to knit it into socks and you know, with that much invested, those gussets are going to be perfect.

Later I'm going to blend some of the flax I picked up with one of the wools and some alpaca. That will be a really interesting yarn, I think. I may go with the shetland just so something in there can stand up to the crispness of the flax. The alpaca will lend it the "smooth" I hope. In any case, it will be something to play with in the future. I would like to get enough together in a nice blend to make Ken a pullover vest. He might actually wear that.


Peggy said...

You know, we raised our three children in a God fearing home, not a "God is going to get you for that." Possibly more of a "momma is going to get you for that." No, just kidding, kinda. Many times while the first two were teenagers I asked myself, what did we do wrong. Maybe we weren't strict enough, maybe we were too strict. They had to face the consequences of their actions, but we never let them forget how much we loved them. I have to say that once they found their brains again, at around 18-21, we have the most awesome relationship and I could never be prouder of their choices. The baby, 22, has never given us the first moments trouble. Go figure, they were all raised in the same family with the same rules. Don't give up, even though we want to, as my mother has always said, "This too shall pass."

Robin said...

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jello to a tree! Hang it there! They do come to their senses but, as a mother, it is soooo painful to watch the process.