Giving Thanks

I find myself complaining a lot. It's a bad habit. So I want to take today (while the turkey is roasting) to list a few of the things I am very grateful for-- there is no particular order to this list:

1. My health. Sometimes my body has given me fits but overall, it seems to work pretty well and I can still get up everyday and walk and do most of the things I want to do.
   
2. My husband. It's very hard to explain what it means to know someone loves you and is willing to tolerate your foibles because they really enjoy being with you. And he does spoil me... and I know it.
3. My children. If you didn't have kids and you just read my blog; you might think that I really don't like my kids very much. Sometimes I don't. I want them to be perfect. I hate to see their faults. But I am grateful that they are in my life because there are moments when they do fill me joy; there are times when I learn how to be a better person because of what they do. I have certainly grown up myself because I wanted to be a good mother and had to take that high road to set the right example for them.
4. My home. I've been "that close" to being homeless and so while there are times when the leaky roof and the failed septic make me nuts (and broke); I almost can't imagine living anywhere else. This is a special place.
5. My friends. I honestly believe there are more people in my life today than ever in my whole life who would take me in if I did become homeless, come and take care of me if my immediate family couldn't, feed me, listen to me, let me cry on their shoulders and who show up if I have a party. It's really cool and 10 years ago I can honestly say there was only one person I could think of who would do that for me. Today there are about 20! (maybe more).
6. My job. My job is important. I am trusted to do my best work. I get to contribute to something that I really believe might allow my input to create a difference. Sometimes the difference is small. Sometimes I will never personally know about the difference I make. BUT I know in my heart that I make a difference.
7. My experiences with the Goddess. Unless you've been there, there isn't much I can explain about this but I truly know and have had personal interaction with my Goddess and I am so, very fortunate to have been blessed in this way.
8. My financial status. Let's just say I'm not rich and I ain't poor. I can pay my bills and can splurge on nice things from time to time and that makes me feel very contented. It hasn't always been that way and being poor really sucks and I plan never to get in a situation where the creditors are calling and I'm subsisting on donations again. At the same time, I'm grateful that I had that experience because I really do understand what it means to be hungry, nearly homeless and feeling very, very desperate.
9. My parents. They taught me right from wrong and acted as very good role models and I'm grateful that they knew when to put their feet down and when to let me go forth and beat my own head on the wall.
   
10. My curiosity. I am nosy. I love to learn stuff. I know what a joy it can be to figure out how to do something and make something work. I pity the folks who find learning to be dull and not worth their effort for their lives must be eternally boring and I'm glad I'm not one of them.

What are 10 things you are grateful for?

I survived!

As if anyone had doubts....

The surgery went well, I think. Can't say I remember a whole lot about it. Just prior to going into the operating room I had a big argument with the anesthesiologist. I had insisted while at pre-op that it be noted very boldly on my chart that I was not to be given narcotic medications for pain (nothing opiate based). Well, that rules out a whole lot of common, cheap pain meds like Percocet, Darvocet, Oxycotin, morphine... etc. Guess what the anesthesiologist said, "But you must have these. The pain will be too great." I pointed out that this would be my fourth abdominal surgery and none of the previous ones had required opiates.

He wanted to know how that could be. I told him that I was awake for all the surgeries and they had used nerve blockers in my spine. He almost walked away, saying he would not work like that. I started to cry. I explained that I was recovering and did not want this stuff and I would relapse and die if they gave it to me.

Thankfully, I had agreed to be a guinea pig for the medical students. Two of them on the surgical team (Tina is the only name I remember) came over and talked to me about it a little. I had some hope when Tina said, "We need more people like you. It's okay. We will figure this out." They dragged out a PDR. They did some fast research. Finally, they found some pain meds that were not opiate based that they could use while I was asleep (I learned from the older anesthesiologist that you still feel pain even while unconscious). And I assured them I would be fine with Motrin and Tylenol afterwards. The older fellow still did not believe I would manage on Motrin and Tylenol after, but figured it was my call at that point and he agreed to try the new medications while I was out.

They did keep me over night. Turns out the surgery that should have lasted about 45 minutes took about 2 1/2 hours. The large fibroid tumor was MUCH bigger than they anticipated and was growing into my side. It took an hour to remove it. I did lose an ovary as the large tumor had basically eaten it. The other ovary was saved and appears to be fine. My uterus was removed. Cervix was saved. All the tumors and a bunch of scar tissue was removed. I'm hoping they sucked out some fat, too, but won't know until my follow up appointment on Monday.

All in all, the daVinci Robotic Assisted Laproscopic surgery went pretty darn well, I think. There is still some swelling and bruising and I have four holes in my stomach. My abdomen sags like I just gave birth (sure could use a tummy tuck). My ass and thighs are swollen and bruised from water retention (as are my ankles, hands and face to a lesser extent) but I'm peeing just fine and bowels are working, albeit with some grumbling. There is MUCH less pain than I have had with other surgeries. And I really like the glue.

Yep, I'm glued shut. There is no pulling from staples or stitches and while I have no idea how long this stuff stays on or how it comes off, I can even take a shower! It's very cool.

And I've been knitting. I sat up for too long yesterday I think and got kind of puffy around the middle again. But I'm going to try and walk a little more today. I might even venture outside for a bit. But I will still take a mid-day nap.

Green Sweater Started... Again

I have been very negligent about blogging about my knitting lately. Been a little distracted...

But I ripped out the three inches of the beginning of the bottom of a large green, comfy pull-over sweater. I rewound the yarn in to balls... decided not to reskein and rewash and dry and rewind again... just balled it up.

This time I'm using a formula pattern that I found on the internet about a year ago. This one is knitted Zimmerman-esc by figuring out your gauge, taking your measurements and knitting to fit... from the top down.

The neck is done.

I'm moving into the yoke.

I'm excited.

This is actually going to work.

And I will work on it... and finish the purple socks and make a good dent into the shawl while I'm recovering from my surgery. I might even get some work done on the cotton shawl.

The surgery date is set. November 13th.

Got the "BOWEL PREP" stuff today at the pharmacy... egad, that's going to be a day of knitting while sitting on the throne on Monday... limited to clear liquid diet after breakfast on Monday until the surgery on Tuesday afternoon.

Then surgery on Tuesday... I will knit in the car on the way down to try and keep my nerves calm. I will knit while waiting... then knitting and all will go with Ken and I will get all my innards rearranged.

Not sure how long I will be in the hospital because they are going to attempt this thing laproscopically. If that works, I will go home in about 23 hours. If they can't do it that way, I will go home in about 3 days. If they can do it laproscopically, then I might actually be able to return to work in 2 or 3 weeks. If they have to do regular open incision surgery, then it will be 6 to 8 weeks.

While they might retest the tissues after removal for cancer, I'm not going to worry about it as much as it will be outside of my body and not as much of a threat...

I will be very happy to not have a "beer gut" anymore. (I'm secretly hoping the doctor will go ahead and figure out a way to give me a tummy tuck, while I'm asleep, so I don't have all this extra loose skin... I will be losing 10 to 15 pounds of uterus and tumors... it will be like having a baby!). My guts will go back where they belong and I will probably have fewer digestion problems, fewer incontinence problems and hopefully, my love life will improve.

Big worry today is getting through the last two days at work and getting as much set up as I can before I leave. I have to assume the worst (and 8-week hiatus) so I have to have two months worth of stuff set up and scheduled before I leave the office at 5 p.m. on Friday.

No Cancer!

The biopsy results came back and while the lining of my uterus is pre-cancerous (whatever that means) the biopsy showed nothing active.

Deep breath.

So, surgery is scheduled for November 13th. Hopefully, the fibroids will be "choppable" and he will be able to do the whole thing laproscopically and my recovery time will be much faster.

The next week is going to madly busy, so not sure when I'll get an opportunity to post again. But will as soon as I can.

In knitting news by dear friends T and Bill got my computer working again and I can now use Ravalry again. So I hope to load a bunch of stuff in there soon.

I got some more singles spun of the brown.

I have four lines left to finish on the Secret of the Stole Clue I (Clue 5 comes out today, if that gives you any idea of how behind I am on that).

The purple socks are still not finished.

I ripped out the lavendar shawl I had started for Carla as I screwed something up and want it to be right... so may just go find a nice pattern instead.

The tan shawl continues. I"m just over halfway now.

And the beat goes on...

Ken went with me today and held my hand while the doctor did the biopsy. I'm really glad he was there with me. Beforehand the doctor described what I would feel as being similar to a bad period cramp. I can honestly say it's not. Felt rather more like someone taking a pair of needle-nosed pliers to my innards for about 20 seconds. Much sharper but much shorter in duration than a cramp. Lot's of twinging (that was similar to a bad period cramp) for about an hour afterwards. And more bleeding than I expected but not more than a normal period day. Less than what I've been lately experiencing during my periods.

We get the biopsy results in a week and the doctor said he would make sure I could get the results via a phone call (so I don't have to miss anymore work time than necessary).

Surgery date was set for November 13th. If there is a cancellation, then I might get in sooner. If no cancer, I can look for 2 to 4 weeks of recovery time. If cancer, then 6 to 8 weeks with radiation treatments mixed in and extending past that.

In any case, I'm going to a very good hospital (Henrico's Doctor's Hospital) so I'm content with that. The doctor is still taking the optimist role and talking about doing the surgery laproscopically. It ultimately will be determined by what the biopsy shows. He says he hopes to save my ovaries so that I'm not completely nailed by menopause all at once and the ovaries can also continue to produce some testosterone so I have a little libido. I'm thinking there must be a way to replace that if they do have to remove the ovaries or they poop out altogether. I can live with hot flashes but I think life would get pretty darn dull without sex.

I'm slowly plugging away on the Secret of the Stole. I think the pictures of the stoles completed through clue 3 look very much like snow falling or frost on cold window. I'm still on the first clue but I'm pretty sure I will have time later to catch up. I really need to take a picture and get it posted.

I'm also still working on my purple socks. I may twist T's arm and see if I can get her to turn the heel on the second sock this coming weekend so I can finally get past that point and onto the final stretch with both of them.

I'm going to meet with the gang specialist with the FBI for our area tomorrow. I'm oddly excited about this as he's talking about starting a task force -- something we desperately need. Might mean more work for me in the long run, but if we can break up and prosecute some of these gang members I think we will all be much safer.

CollegiateTimes.com - Endometrial cancer prevention begins in college

CollegiateTimes.com - Endometrial cancer prevention begins in college

Yep, I'd say I was at risk. I've been chronically overweight for most of my life. Never used the pill except for three weeks but got blood clots in my legs from it so had to quit. Just fat.

Considering this cancer occurs 4 times more often than others... makes me wonder why they don't include a biopsy (like the PAP) during everyone's regular check up. Endometrial cancer kills more women than cervical or breast cancer combined. But we are not regularly screened for it -- even when obese.

What's going on here?

I figured by now I would have a date for surgery and know more or less what I was looking forward to.

I had accepted that I have to have a hysterectomy due to the fibroid tumors. I was imagining that my tummy would soon be flat (or at least flatter) and that I would no longer look like I was 5 months pregnant.

The chronic pain would be gone. I would be able to bend over. My bladder would actually hold pee again and the bleeding would ease or stop.

And that will all happen. Just not as soon as I thought.

I went in and met with the doctor Monday. First thing he said was that he wasn't real happy with what he was seeing in the sonograms. First of all there were three distinct fibroid tumors. One, about the size of an egg, has attached itself to my right ovary (that's my good one). One about the size of a golf ball is stuck to the left side of my uterus. The third is about the size of a grapefruit (or 4 or 5 month old fetus) and is growing out of the top of my uterus.

The worrisome bit, apparently is not all these odd lumps but the size, shape and thickness of my uterus. It is "huge", he said. A normal uterus is about the size and shape of an upside down pear. Mine is about as big as football and weighs about 5 pounds all by itself. The lining is abnormally thick.

So he said he needed to do a biopsy of the uterine wall and that big fibroid. That "B" word, of course, made me think instantly of the "C" word. And I think my stress level went right out the ceiling. He wanted to do the biopsy on Monday, but because my period started (again) on Sunday, he said I had to wait a week. Like I really want to wait at this point.

He tried to be upbeat and said that if there is no cancer he believes he can go in without a large incision in my belly and chop everything into bits, save my left ovary, most of my right and my cervix and remove all trash from a small incision in my side.

But if there is cancer, he doesn't want to use his mini-meat-grinder tools and possibly spread those monster cells around. If there is cancer I will have to have a frontal incision and I will probably lose everything. So long as they dust, vacuum and wash the walls, I don't care.

So, Ken is going in with me next Monday to hold my hand during the biopsy (because I've been warned it would be painful). Then we have to wait for probably another week for those test results and we will know more.

I'm ready to call in my healers. The real healers. The Witches.

I think most of them are planning to be at the house for our Samhain event in two weeks. We may know more by then even and can get a good focus on what Magick needs to happen.

Frankly, the whole thing sucks.

Another Busy Weekend

Cleaning Fleece

I got all of the grey lincoln fleece washed and dried. I did a little bit each day this past weekend. Worked out well and the weather was very cooperative. Washed in the mornings before anyone else got up, laid it out on a windowscreen perched on a laundry drying rack and covered the clean fleece with an old sheer curtain until night fall. Worked great. Ended up with just about 1.5 pounds of grey/black/white wool. I plan to blend it with the rest of the grey alpaca and some black diamond soy silk to bring my total weight up to 2 pounds. That might be enough to make Ken a sweater.

Cleaning Out

I knew I had accumulated a lot of stuff and a bunch more junk I didn't need. I had no idea how much.

Ken took three full pick-up loads of junk and stuff to the dump on Sunday. I moved nearly all the junk and stuff out of the downstairs guest bedroom (otherwise referred to as the "front room" and normally used as a storage facility). Then I started moving all my fiber stuff downstairs into that room.

John will be moving into the little room upstairs because he is seriously talking about going to college.

But Ken decided 3/4s of the way through that downward move that he really needs to finish spackling and painting the front room before I move the rest of my stuff in. He also wants to install shelving all along a wall so, "you can get all this stuff off the floor," he said. He did patch the mouse hole that the little beasties had chewed through the wall at the outlet hole and put on the plate cover. And he was an absolute trooper about lettimg me toss even some of his old "treasures". And he and boys moved ALL the camping equipment into the trailer.

Mind you, this man works full time. When he thinks he's going to do all this spackle and paint work, I have no idea. But I will not nag... I will not nag...

He replaced the wallboard about three years ago. Never mind that what was there before, was too dreadful to discuss and a product of the previous owner and my ex-husband's handiwork.

Ken also removed all the drawers from an junky yardsale dresser that was in that room and then took a saw to the innards. I now have a good, sturdy work bench for my carder and combs and new inkle loom. Clever fellow.

Fiber Fest

Oh yeah, that was Sunday! I went to the Fall Fiber Festival at Montpelier Station on Saturday. Originally, I was going to go on Sunday and clean house on Saturday but Ken wanted to go to the blacksmith shop on Saturday so we switched days at the last minute.

I came home with an Inkle Loom (got it put together and now have to learn how to weave on it), a book to teach me how to do that, a brick of silk, a holder for my double pointed needles that is the wrong size, and a bunch of other small stuff like one of those gizmos that let's you figure out what size needle you have by poking through a hole. Oh yeah, I also bought a new Bosworth Midi. I really love those spindles.

Doctor Trip

I also went to the doctor on Monday to beg for help with my weight issues and basically bitch about heavy bleeding during my periods. Well, slap me goofy but it turns out it might be a good thing I went.

His diagnosis: fibroids in my uterus. This beer gut? It's not a beer gut at all but a massive uterus all distended and mis-shapen by 5 to 10 pounds of fibroids. The reason my belly is so huge (when the rest of me is not) is because of the fibroids and the uterus... they have taken over and are pushing everything else out of place. It explains the back pain, the incontinence, the heavy bleeding, the pelvic pains, and the weird weight distribution. The doctor was amazed I hadn't been diagnosed before. I'm still over weight but we can deal with that a little later.

Wow, imagine walking around with a five pound bag of flour inside your gut! And mine might be even bigger.

I will know more next week. I go for a sonogram on Thursday. I meet back with the doctor next Monday.

I've done a little research on the internet (and we know how accurate that is) and I'm probably looking at surgery. I may even end up having a hysterectomy. That wouldn't be so bad, I don't think. It's not like I'm using my uterus for anything other than growing fibroids just now. I just hate the thought of being out of work for a month or more. It's bad enough going back after a week of vacation! Yikes. Maybe I could do some of my work from home.

Secret of the Stole

I also started knitting on this KAL. I got the first clue on Friday. Got through most of the first point on Friday night. Was too pooped to work on it Saturday or Sunday evening. Sat down on Monday evening and finished the first point and started on the second. I may end up ripping out the first point because I made some errors that I now see because I'm doing the second one correctly... go figure. I hope to join both by Thursday and finish clue one by Thursday evening. Probably won't happen that way, but I have a feeling I may be able to catch up at some point in the near future while recovering.

He's home!

Well, my soldier boy is a soldier no more and he got home yesterday.

He did have some misadventures in the Army. I'm hoping he has learned from his mistakes, and from his successes.

Moving forward. For this week no decisions are being made. He is considering a variety of possibilities. For now at least, I think he is going to stay on the East Coast. He is thinking of these possibilities:

• attending the local community college
• finding a part-time job (or perhaps a full-time job)
• going to live with his older brother in Pennsylvania and getting a job up there or going to school there
• something else entirely

After this week, he will be tasked with finding a job at the very least or getting stuff together to go to school starting in the next term.

He still doesn't drive. We will have to figure out what it's going to take for him to get a driver's license. At least he is 18 now and can do much of this stuff on his own.

If he lives here for longer than a month, we will have to give back a bedroom. Right now he is in with Matthew.

Personally, I vote for moving my fiber stuff downstairs, moving all the camping stuff out into the trailer (that's happening anyway), getting rid of all the other junk in the front guest room and making that my studio/fiber storage room.

I like my little room upstairs, but just the fact that is is upstairs makes me feel like I'm far away from everyone. And when Ken is asleep during the day, I am afraid I will wake him if I am doing something noisy in my little room.

Yep, I think the junk needs to go, the fiber needs to come downstairs and the guestroom/maybe John's room can become the little one that used to be Matt's room.

I wonder if I can recruit a couple of girlfriends to help me make this happen?

A philosophy for life

I like this guy's approach to life. It reminds me very much of things my grandfather used to say. And I have found it to be very true in my own life.

Here is a quote from KnitterMan who is apparently in the midst of a struggle just now:

"...there is a spiritual principle in the Universe that has to do with times of stress and times of need. I have a choice to either get sucked into my own situation (and the inevitable downward spiral into doom-and-gloom negativity and depression), OR I can put my focus on the needs of others, create something positive for them, and thereby open the flow again for positive response in my own direction. Serving others is ALWAYS a positive release-valve. When you need something, give something away. Very simple (not complex) AND very easy (not hard to do). I have a very large and immediate need, and I’ve done all I can do (for now) on my own behalf (at least until Monday). So all I can do is turn my attention aside and press forward to help others."

He is in the middle of making a comfort shawl for a woman who is suffering from cancer. At the same time he is apparently financially very strapped. He makes really nice yarn. Dyes it himself I believe. Might just have to buy some. Never hurts to bring goods made by positive people into my home.